Great White Hope

YARG!!!! That is one nasty lookin critter. I hope I never have to see that up close and personal. Poor great whites. They´re ugly, they´re smelly, and they´ve got a pretty bad rep, but that doesn´t mean they´re not cool. These things are the perfect predator, which is why they´re so damn scary. They can smell a drop of blood from miles away. They have electromagnetic sensors, which means no matter how still and quiet you are they can still sense your heart beating (creepy). When they lose one of their 3000 teeth, another one grows back in its place. Their ancestors were ginormous (estimated to be between 40 to 100 feet long) monsters called megalodons, which may or may not still exist in the deepest depths of the oceans. And their beedy eyes and solitary nature liken them to quiet, hardened criminals patrolling the prison for the stool pigeon who put them there.

Yep, evolution has been good to sharks, and you´re not around since the time of dinosaurs without learning a thing or two about a thing or two. For example, I was sitting in a hostal in Glasgow, Scotland when I heard this little doozy. A young Australian was talking about how some guy was swimming off the coast of Australia when out of nowhere a great white comes up from under him. The shark swallowed the man up to about his mid body when it realized that this wasn´t the tasety little morsel it was hoping he would be (like a blubber laden seal). So the shark spit the guy up. Now that is a near death experience I never want to live through.

So all in all, sharks are pretty neat. You probably wouldn´t want to meet one in a dark alley or a brightly lit beach, but they´re still a force of nature worth learning about. And for all you fans out there, here´s Radar Magazine´s step-by-step guide to becoming crudités of the sea, reported by Matthew Thompson.

There are many, many reasons you might want to get bitten by a shark, a pastime that’s become increasingly trendy this summer. For starters, it’s a far less humiliating way of getting famous than appearing on a reality show. Not to mention all the weight you’d lose.

Trouble is, the odds of actually getting bitten are roughly equal to winning the lottery. But like the lottery, you can’t win if you don’t play. Here are some simple proactive measures you can take to maximize your odds of an aquatic altercation.

1. WEAR SHINY JEWELERY Sharks, like subway chain snatchers, are attracted to flashy bling. This is why you have never seen Mr. T swimming.

2. STICK TO MURKY WATER The Australian government, which ought to know, claims sharks favor “turbid” or “silt-laden” water. When 14-year-old Lydia Paulk danced the incisor tango off the coast of Texas recently, she was picking up beer bottles from the ocean floor, which kicked up sand. If you’re not in Texas—and, thus, the water is beer-bottle free—small shells and loose rocks make an acceptable, albeit less classy, substitute.

3. STAY HORIZONTAL Use a flotation device if need be. The more you stay on your back or stomach, the more you’ll resemble a seal, the animal most deserving of the title “nature’s burrito,” should National Geographic ever bestow such an honor.

4. SWIM LIKE YOU’VE NEVER SWAM BEFORE Seriously. Be creative. Load your bathing suit up with jellyfish if you have to. Remember, the more you helplessly splash around, the more weak, defenseless and delicious you’ll appear.

5. LOCATION, LOCATION, LOCATION Long favored by fisherman, rivers emptying into the ocean are also prime hunting grounds for sharks. A choppy spot with birds dive bombing on the surface? Could mean a feeding frenzy below. A dorsal fin zigzagging to ominous orchestral accompaniment? This, too, could indicate the presence of a shark. Stay alert, read the ocean, and plan your approach accordingly.

6. COORDINATE YOUR WARDROBE Bright, contrasting colors are to the ocean what tube tops and belly rings are to the dance floor. “I’m easy, please eat me,” they telegraph to sharks, as if they were overly fragrant men from New Jersey.

7. CULTIVATE IRONY Donate money to your local “Save The Sharks” charity. Eat shark fin soup every day for a week. Get a law degree. How will this increase your chances of getting bitten? It won’t. But it will add much needed levity to your dismemberment and set you apart from 16 year-old Craig Hutto, who, before his foray into edibility last month, was just another redneck waist-deep in the Gulf of Mexico.

8. BE PATIENT You may want to pack a lunch and bring an extra battery for your cell phone. With only 61 shark attacks worldwide last year, the odds of you actually getting bitten are about one in one hundred million. But here’s hoping!

Source: Radar Magazine Online, July 20, 2005